Dating an acoa
I had a four year relationship with who I thought was a good man, who was all about family and I trusted him.We bought a house together and two months in I found out our relationship was a lie.During this time when I should be grieving I am super-sleuthing to push down those feelings, to intellectualize, instead of actually feeling. I even, honestly and ridiculously, carry a book with me to work, in my car and not any book, but books, that when I start to feel panicky about my relationship, I can re-read passages to understand what ACOA PTSD is again – to make sure my doubt and my own insecurities don’t get in the way. Stop reading and get tape, scizzors, glue, magazines, and bristol board.Cut and paste how I feel right now using images and text and another one of how I’d like to feel. I’m also supposed to download the EMDR stuff to do at home from i Tunes called, Calm & Confident by Mark Grant and read a book (over Christmas – not till then) called Becoming Your Own Parent, Dennis Wholey. I haven’t always had them – they are fairly new to me.Since my boyfriend and I are on a break (I can’t really admit we’re broken-up yet – not sure if its denial, or if it’s a break and he’s fixing himself), it is hard for me not to be triggered.
Yay for two reasons – he’s not a douchebag and I can still hope and two, I can trust my intuition and I can trust. That said, we are still not together – after two months and I miss him and now I want him more and I feel terrible about my jealous reactions in the past.He is getting therapy, going to his AA meetings, talking to his sponsor daily, etc. And, despite my jealousy panic, I thought how unfair it is that I am working on my stuff, and if he is on the prowl then he must not be working on his stuff. My stuff was triggered again…now I feel foolish, shame and stupid that I genuinely thought he cared about me and really he was just trying to kick me to the curb, kindly.This is my breakthrough…instead of reacting and calling him to ask, I sat back and thought about it, talked to a few trusted friends (since I don’t trust my own trust – I need confirmation/consensus that I am not simply believing what I want to believe) and came to my own conclusion that the guy who told me was hitting on me (telling me he needed a massage/asking to get together) and the best part is…I believed in my BF.He nailed a few things out of the gate, “I see a white horse”…I was learning dressage on a white horse…asked me if I was a teacher. Then he said…”you read a lot of books as a child” and I didn’t say anything. In fact, up until a few years ago I thought I came from a perfect family, had a great childhood, and there were no addictions, no abuse but what I’ve only realized is that I never had a voice, my feelings never mattered, and I had to be perfect.He asked if I know why I did and then proceeded to tell me that I read because I didn’t feel a part of the family and I felt like I was part of the families in the books I read. My Mam is an ACOA from a frightful, poverty stricken father and co-dependent Mother, my Dad came from a strict, disciplinarian father and his Mom was likely a narcissist.